Covers that Missed the Mark

I like to think of myself as a fairly mellow chick, slow to anger, and in a general sense, a pretty happy camper. That being said, there is one thing that gets me right-rippin’-pissed. Shitty covers. From the aisles of the grocery store to the backseat of your Uber, nothing is safe, nothing is sacred. On behalf of anyone who’s had to endure this sort of musical desecration, this one’s for you. Today I’m talking shitty covers, and this nomad is taking no mercy.

Wild Night - John Mellencamp & Me'Shell Ndegeocello (Van Morrison)

While Van Morrison's 1971 version of the tune makes me wanna cut a rug, Mellencamp's cover leaves something to be desired in the groove department. Without the horn section and stellar sax solo, the tune just doesn’t do it for me. Ndegeocello’s bass grooves, while dirty as hell, just seem a little cumbersome in the mix. This is a far cry from the worst cover I’ve ever heard (cough, every single Glee cover), but it still doesn’t hold a candle to Van’s original arrangement.

Have a listen if: you’re not ready for a sax solo to end all sax solos.

Whiskey in the Jar - Metallica (traditional/Thin Lizzie)

Is it just me or does anyone else get pissed that this version comes up first in the Google search bar? Admittedly, I’m not much of a Metallica fan (sorry, dudes); but when you cover Thin Lizzy, there are certain very real expectations imposed upon you. Abandoning the blues-rock vibe that Thin Lizzie expertly laid out in their 1973 version, Metallica opted, instead to do what they do best and just play louder. James Hetfield’s guttural vocals, (which are notably overrated) are enough to make the late and great Phil Lynott turn over in his grave.

Have a listen if: you want to be even more confused about what musha ring dum a doo dum a da has to do with your daddy-o.

You're No Good - Van Halen (Linda Ronstadt)

You know what's no good? I'll give you a hint. Rhymes with Man Schmaylen, and has enough ego to fill a stadium. This cover is just...bad. Ronstadt’s version captures the essence of the expression ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.’ I’m not really sure what Van Halen was trying to achieve from this cover, other than a paycheck. Linda, baby...you’re still the queen in my eyes.

Have a listen if: you like to act superior but are actually dead inside.

Land of Confusion - Disturbed (Genesis)

Is there any better way to commemorate the 30th anniversary of Genesis' Invisible Touch than throwing shade at the true land of confusion that is the Disturbed cover of this track. While I don’t dig the heavier tone of the tune, it’s David Draiman’s heavy breathing/throat singing just before the chorus that actually creeps me out. Also, where’s the synth?

Have a listen if: you want to conjure the dead, while simultaneously pissing them off about the state of the world.

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston (Dolly Parton)

Alright, before anybody gets their panties in a knot, yes, Whitney was talented. The difference here is that Dolly was singing the song to Porter Wagoner, while Whitney was singing it to a bag of coke. Kidding. Like anything, it’s a matter of preference, and personally, I prefer the tenderness of Dolly’s version over the histrionics of Houston’s. Haters gonna hate.

Have a listen if: you’re in a weird place in your life and The Bodyguard happens to be on.

While tastes may vary widely from one music geek to another, I think that’s what makes music so interesting. We like what we like, and if anything, it just means that we’ve got a firm grasp on what we enjoy...as far as music is concerned, anyway.

While you're at it, check out my This, Not That Playlist.

Until next time, stay groovy.

-A